How did we get from Adoption to Addiction
I never thought when we adopted our boys that they would end up where they are today. We had so many hopes, dreams and possibilities when they came to live with us. Today after a great deal of personal work, I am in acceptance of where they are in life. I finally realized I had no control. They have chosen their lanes and I need to stay in mine.
That said there still is grief. Grief is something that does not go away, it does not get smaller. It is simply there, we grow around it. I build a bubble around it. It sits. It is part of me. At times it percolates up, bubbles into my chest and it comes to me as profound sadness. When I feel like that, I take it to my horses. I sit with them. Their strong yet soft presence holds space for me. I feel into my body and breathe. I breathe to get out of my head. I breathe in the beautiful smell of horses. I breathe in the nature around me. I breathe deep into my belly. I send it out through my feet. I exhale the past.
I exhale the visions of my child in court and my child in jail. I exhale my child on the street and my child in active addiction. I exhale my child in violence and my child cold and alone. These are the past truths. I send them into the ground with every exhalation. I continue to breathe and become more present. I start to exhale the future I had envisioned. I exhale the vision of having our farmhouse full of extended family. I exhale the vision of well-adjusted sons, their families and grandchildren around.
I continue to breathe into my heart and belly and exhale into the ground, into the earth. The Earth is Mother. She takes my pain away. She comforts the past and buries my future visions. She holds me. I feel this calm energy flowing. I am now firmly in my body. I am aware and present. I notice the horse’s breath. Their breath is slow and relaxed. They are always in the present. No focus on the past and no thoughts of the future. They just are.
My beautiful black mare looks up at me with those large soft brown eyes. She is licking and chewing. She lets out a small yawn. It is a release, an affirmation that I am there. She feels me and I feel her soft heart beating in my chest. I feel safe. I feel held. The earth, the horse and me.
When I can get to this place , I can look at the past as simply an observer. It is like I am out of my body looking at someone else. I am not attached to it.
I can let go of the idea of how it all came to this. It used to confuse me as to why my youngest son ended up addicted to meth living on the street. Why all the violence and resulting incarceration. Today it makes sense after reading books on childhood trauma and the impact of abandonment on children. This was something I knew nothing about preadoption. At the time I simply thought nurture would fix everything. How traumatized were they really, they were so young.
Sure, they had been living in foster care for a year. They had not been bounced around like a lot of foster kids. Just one stable safe foster home. They had no physical or sexual abuse in their history. They were physically healthy and developmentally at the right stages for their ages. All they really needed was a forever home with loving parents. Our social workers validated that. I recall them telling us that if you adopted children before they were five provided there was no serious sexual or physical abuse nurture would do its thing. They would form healthy attachments naturally. Over five it was trickier and might require more professional support. They were 18 months and 3 so perfect ages.
I believed everything they told us.
I didn’t question any of it.
How naïve I was and how wrong they were.
So, we said yes. We had already completed the home study and were approved as adoptive parents. Next step was a series of visits over the summer to slowly introduce us. They showed their pictures. They were adorable. I envisioned our family, 2 boys, 2 dogs, and us living in our cute little house nestled in the woods. I started decorating their room. I hadn’t even met them yet.